To forgive someone who isn't sorry, separate forgiveness from reconciliation: forgive as an act of obedience to God, not because the other person deserves it or has apologized. Name the specific hurt, release your right to revenge, and set boundaries as needed. Forgiveness protects your own heart even when the other person never changes.
A man in our church, I'll call him Marcus since he asked me not to use his real name, spent almost four years waiting for his brother to apologize for a business deal that fell apart badly between them. The apology never came. Marcus told me during a men's breakfast that the waiting had cost him more than the original argument. He'd built his forgiveness around a condition his brother had no plans to meet.
Learning how to forgive someone who isn't sorry means learning to separate forgiveness from the other person's response entirely. That's a harder teaching than most sermons make it sound, and it's one Scripture is surprisingly direct about.
Why Forgiveness Doesn't Wait for an Apology
In Mark 11:25, Jesus tells His disciples to forgive whenever they stand praying, "if you hold anything against anyone." There's no clause about the offender apologizing first. Paul writes something similar in Colossians 3:13, telling believers to forgive as the Lord forgave them, not as a reward for good behavior on the other side.
This doesn't mean the hurt wasn't real or serious. It means forgiveness in Scripture is framed as something you do before God, independent of whether the other person ever acknowledges what happened. Waiting for an apology hands your peace to someone who may never give it back.
Name the Specific Hurt
Vague forgiveness rarely sticks. "I forgive him for everything" sounds spiritual but often means nothing changes internally, because nothing specific was ever brought into the light. I've found it helps to write down exactly what happened, in plain language, without softening it and without exaggerating it.
For Marcus, that meant writing: "My brother took money from a joint account without telling me and never explained why." Not "my brother wronged me." The specific version is harder to write and much easier to actually forgive, because you're forgiving a real thing instead of a fog.
This step often takes longer than people expect, especially with hurts that stretch over years rather than a single incident. When I walked through this with Marcus, we ended up filling almost a full page before he felt like he'd actually named the whole thing instead of a summary of it. He told me afterward that seeing it written out in full, rather than carried as a vague weight, was the first time the situation felt like something he could actually address instead of just endure. Writing it down isn't about building a case against the other person. It's about making sure you're forgiving the actual offense rather than a version of it softened by time or exaggerated by resentment.
Forgiveness protects your own heart even when the other person never changes.
Separate Forgiveness From Trust
One of the most common reasons people delay forgiveness is a fear that it means opening themselves back up to being hurt again. It doesn't. Forgiveness is a decision about the past offense. Trust is a separate, forward-looking judgment about whether someone has become safe or reliable again.
You can forgive a parent for years of harsh words and still choose not to give them unsupervised time with your kids. You can forgive a former business partner and still refuse to enter another contract with them. Neither choice cancels the forgiveness. According to a 2023 study on forgiveness and mental health published by Johns Hopkins Medicine, forgiveness is consistently linked to lower rates of anxiety and depression, independent of whether the relationship itself was restored.
A Short Distinction Worth Writing Down
Forgiveness: I release my right to make you pay for this. Trust: I believe, based on evidence, that you won't do this again. You can have the first without the second.
What Forgiveness Is Not
Forgiveness isn't pretending the hurt didn't happen. It isn't rushing back into the same dynamic that caused the damage. It isn't a single sentence that magically resolves years of pain. And it definitely isn't required to happen on someone else's timeline, including a well-meaning pastor's timeline.
I've sat with people who felt guilty for still feeling grief or anger months after they'd decided to forgive. That guilt is often based on a misunderstanding. Forgiveness is a choice you renew, sometimes daily, not a single emotional state you're supposed to maintain perfectly from day one.
Five Practical Steps
- Write down the specific offense in plain, unexaggerated language.
- Bring it to God directly in prayer, naming what happened and asking for the willingness to release it.
- Decide what, if anything, needs to be said to the other person, separate from waiting for their response.
- Set whatever boundary keeps you safe or healthy going forward.
- Expect to revisit the decision. Forgive again the next time the memory stings, without treating that as failure.
Marcus told me the hardest of these five steps for him was the third, deciding what needed to be said to his brother. He worried that saying anything at all would look like he was still waiting for an apology in disguise. What helped was separating the message from the motive. He sent a short note that said, in effect, "I've forgiven you for what happened with the account, and I wanted you to know that, whatever you decide to do with it." He sent it expecting nothing back, which is different from sending it to provoke a response. His brother never replied. Marcus said the peace he felt afterward had nothing to do with that silence and everything to do with having finally said the true thing regardless of what came back.
When the Hurt Is Ongoing
If the person who hurt you is still actively causing harm, forgiveness doesn't mean staying in that situation. Scripture calls believers to wisdom as well as grace. Removing yourself from an unsafe relationship, whether that's a marriage, a friendship, or a work situation, can be the most loving and biblically consistent choice available, both for you and, in some cases, for the other person.
A woman in our congregation, Janelle, forgave her father for years of verbal abuse she experienced growing up, but she still keeps visits short and never stays overnight at his house. She told me she used to feel guilty about that limit, as though real forgiveness required removing every guard she'd built. It doesn't. Her boundary isn't a lack of forgiveness. It's wisdom applied to a pattern that, by her own account, hasn't meaningfully changed in thirty years. Related reading: our article on loving a difficult family member well goes further into setting boundaries without becoming unloving.
What If Forgiveness Feels Impossible Right Now
Some hurts are recent enough, or severe enough, that forgiveness feels genuinely out of reach, not just difficult. If that's where you are, it helps to know that Scripture doesn't demand an instant leap from fresh wound to full forgiveness. David spent long stretches of several psalms simply describing his pain and asking God to act, without arriving at a tidy resolution in the same breath.
When forgiveness feels impossible, start with willingness instead of the act itself. A prayer as simple as "God, I'm not there yet, but I don't want to stay here forever, help me become willing" is a real and honest starting point. I've watched people carry that prayer for months before anything shifted, and the waiting wasn't wasted. It was part of the process, not a failure of it.
It also helps to talk to someone outside the situation, a pastor, a counselor, or a trusted friend who won't rush you. Marcus, the man from the beginning of this article, eventually told our small group that what moved him from bitterness toward forgiveness wasn't a single insight. It was eighteen months of slowly, repeatedly bringing the same hurt back to God, each time letting go of a little more of his need for his brother to apologize first. Some hurts take that long, and that's not a sign of spiritual failure. It's often just what real forgiveness costs.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does forgiving someone mean I have to trust them again?
No. Forgiveness releases your right to hold the offense over someone. Trust is rebuilt separately, through changed behavior over time, and it can take much longer.
What if the person who hurt me is still doing it?
Forgiveness does not require you to stay in an unsafe or harmful situation. You can forgive someone in your heart before God while still setting firm boundaries or removing yourself from contact.
Is it wrong to still feel angry after I've forgiven someone?
No. Forgiveness is a decision, not the instant disappearance of every emotion. Anger can resurface, and choosing to forgive again is often part of the process.
What if I don't feel ready to forgive yet?
Start by asking God to help you become willing. Willingness itself is a form of obedience, even before the feeling of forgiveness arrives.
The Bottom Line
Learning how to forgive someone who isn't sorry starts with separating forgiveness from an apology you may never receive. Name the specific hurt, bring it honestly to God, and set whatever boundary keeps you safe, all without waiting for the other person to change first. This week, write down one specific offense you've been carrying and bring it to God in a single honest prayer.